


Equals

by Beauxangel



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-22
Updated: 2020-09-25
Packaged: 2021-03-06 18:47:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 12,799
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26053684
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Beauxangel/pseuds/Beauxangel
Summary: Are you and Captain Levi equals?--- I will try and stick to the plot as much as I can but I am awful at writing action scenes, there will be light smut, I will try to keep it so it makes sense as to how he would actually react-----
Relationships: Levi (Shingeki no Kyojin)/Reader, Levi/Reader
Kudos: 46





	1. You

You had lived your whole life care free, no worries of titans outside of the walls. you were safe inside wall rose, it wasn't a luxurious life but you never went without. Everyone in town knew who your mother was and kept their children away from you, you learned to be lonely. To you she was a wonderful mother who had her flaws but you learned that her profession wasn't honorable. She would be called inside wall sina often, leaving you in the care of neighbors until you were old enough to be left alone.

Growing without any friends gave you plenty of time to fantasize about what was out there, how many places you could go. Spending most of your time cleaning or reading, gave you a romanticized view of life. which was better than the life your town where your mother and you were avoided, which only made you realize that going far away might solve all your problems. 

No mother would ever lie to her child about who her father was, yet you knew that your mother did. Her tale of teen romance with a boy who left to serve in the survey corps and never returned, forcing her into the life she was in. it was always in the back of your mind that maybe she wasn't entirely truthful.

For years you begged your mother to let you join the survey corps , she always said no. She thought you wanted to join to look for your father, but she never let any details about him slip. you thought catching her of guard might reveal some hints as to what he looked like or who he was, but she was amazing at lying.

Your mother was beautiful and had charms that captivated the men on the other side of the wall, you wouldn't be called beautiful- but you were pretty. you learned how to be charming, how to hold people in conversation. Always careful to not lead men on, for that would lead to problems. Now that you are older you wondered if your mother was expecting you to follow in her footsteps, shaking the thought away that no mother would ever do that.

From her you learned how to be charming and be on people's good side, it worked well for her to get discounted food and men would gladly come and fix anything broken in your home. The women in town would call her names and sneer at her, your mother would smile through it all. 

Until one winter when she got a cold that didn't go away, having lost everything you ever knew made you question what to do with your life at 17 yrs old. You always wanted to see outside of the walls, dreamed of what could be outside the safety of wall maria. Now you were free to see what lay beyond the wall.

Your first year of training was rough, everyone found out where you had come from and what your mother was thanks to a girl from your town who quickly spread your story. Most boys would come up to you thinking they would get something from you, You had to prove all of them wrong about you. They quickly realized that your smile didnt mean an invitation to your room, and that your friendliness was just that . Poor Aza It took him months of trying to talk to you when the night before you left for wall Maria he finally came up to you and expressed his feelings for you, it was the first time anyone had ever said how much you meant to them as a person not just something they wanted to use and discard.

You graduated from the training corps in 845, you were in the top ten and had your choice to go live inside wall sina. Everyone else chose to be in the military, except you. it hadn't been two months when wall maria was breached by the colossal. The amount of damage caused was something you didnt expect. You were with commander shadis having just returned from a bloodbath, most of your team who you grew fond of in the last 3 years were dead. 

All of shiganshina destroyed, the following year was filled with even more deaths as you tried to reclaim wall maria. Grateful for your skills that kept you alive during that year, it also numbed you to all the deaths around you.

You had seen the only boy you had kissed get slaughtered by a titan, he had courage and no one would take that away from him.

Having this as your first experience left you broken for months, until you realized you could turn it into rage. Promising to kill every single titan, made you stronger. commander smith took a liking to you and quickly gained the rank of squad leader. Soon everyone forgot about your past and respected you for what you were, but you always fell behind captain Levi. everyone did.

It only fueled your rage in the battlefield, to surpass him was your goal. For some reason his nickname always rubbed you the wrong way 'humanities strongest', who even came up with that. You avoided any interaction with him unless truly needed, you would bet your life that he didnt even know your name and you wanted to keep it that way. Such a pompous little man, with his cold look and mono toned voice. You had to admit that most of your thoughts about the captain were jealousy, you envied the way people respected him. You had to fight for respect doing exactly what he does , it made you a bit bitter. 

You always respected that captain erwin didn't care about peoples personal lives, if he knew what you were capable of you were on his good side. Which helped you move up the ranks quickly. After a couple of years you finally became captain, to which captain levi just gave you a cold glare. Did he not think you capable of leading your own squad? arrogant prick.

Among recruits and cadets you heard whispering of them hoping you would pick them, you had a great reputation of bringing most of your cadets home from missions. could captain levi say that? ha. you took no pleasure in cadets deaths but it amused you how reckless he was, why he was still considered the best hope for humanity when most of the cadets in his squad never returned home. You heard that he would dig the graves of everyone he lost, maybe thats why he was so strong....thats a lot of digging. 

You dont know how your hate for him started, sure jealousy was what started your slow decline into pure hatred for him. It was slow at first but then everything he did just seemed to offend you . the way he drank his tea, how careless he seemed about everything around him. The way he holds his blades was obnoxious. People joked about his cleanliness but you were also a clean person and thought that was his only good quality.

During your years in training was when captain levi and his friends were recruited. you never really crossed paths with them only a few occasions but isabel and farlan were always nice, you felt bad when you learned of their deaths. When you saw captain levi months later you tried to talk to him but he ignored and pushed past you. That was the first and last time you tried to have a 'personal' conversation with him. 

Soon the 104th would be ready to join the ranks, you kept an eye on them to see which ones might interest you. You knew of course who would get first pick of fresh cadets. He always seemed to be running out of those.


	2. 104

You were with commander pyxis when kitts was about to fire cannons on 3 cadets. The jaeger kid blocked the gate with a boulder , putting your trust in commander pyxis judgement your squad helped clearing the town of titans , all for 2 which Hange was very excited about.

At the military tribunal, your anger for captain levi increased when in your mind everything the jaeger kid was saying was true and you agreed that he would be more useful to try and beat the titans, he beat him looking at commander erwin hoping he would make him stop. Heart breaking when he didnt. You were known for your extreme soft spot for cadets. When it was all over and it was decided that he was to be in captain Levis squad you were determined to help the kid not be tormented by the short man you hated.

After the trial you ran into captain levi, having just visited the jaeger kid to make sure he was alright. finally introducing yourself. standing in front of him blocking his path all you heard was his signature tch as he turned his gaze up to you

"Are you coming to apologize captain?" you asked 

"for?" clearly confused, you didnt know if he was confused by your question or you talking to him 

"To eren for the trial?" you smiled down at him 

"no" was all he said before walking around you continuing on his way, you wanted to grab him by the neck . Deciding it wasnt worth it you went looking for tea to calm you down.

Deciding to swallow your pride you wrote a letter to captain levi asking to join him and his squad when you learned they were going to the old scout headquarters, he replied with a simple no. 

Wanting to keep an eye on eren you asked Hange if you could join her on the journey there, feigning curiosity in her titan experiments. She was delighted to have you, you were curious about titans but Hange was obsessed. You admired that about her, she had passion for it. When he saw you joining them all you heard was tch as he avoided being near you on the way to headquarters.

when you arrived it shocked you how filthy it was, before you could say anything about needing help cleaning captain levi was already on it. While cleaning you walked in on petra talking to eren about the captain

"...for one thing hes a lot shorter" you overheard her say

laughing they both turned to look at you, 

"your forgetting the temper" you added

"im more worried about his seriousness and following orders from the higher ups" said eren " he doesnt seem like he would take orders"

"I dont have the details but he was from the underground" added petra

At which you smirked, you had learned about the captain and his life in the underground from Hange , which she got from isabel. Not sure how much of what Hange said was factual

"captain erwin dragged him into the scouts "

"whats going on!?" You jumped at the sound of his voice, he eyed you and turned to eren " your cleaning is lamentable"

when he was walking away you decided to have a talk about eren 

"captain?" he stopped and turned to look at you over his shoulder "would you like a cup of tea, I need a word with you" you smiled at him

it seemed like an eternity before he answered

"what kind?" his icy stare piercing you

"oh um Your choice I have different ones" _what an odd question_ you thought 

"fine"

"great , i will meet you in the kitchen" You went to your quarters to retrieve a small chest full of teas you had aquired. You were proud that your mother had saved some money while she was allive, it left you with a good amount of money to buy the best tea. you were very proud of your little collection , of course a man like levi wouldnt know anything about good tea.

when you arrived you found he had a kettle on the stove and he was sitting with two cups, spoons and sugar on the table, arms crossed. His expression was blank, but that was nothing new.

"let me see what I can suggest for you " you said walking over to him standing beside him placing the tiny chest on the table in front of him and opening it

He immediately grabbed your tin of black tea sniffing it. 

"its not poisoned" you joked smiling at how odd he was being

"this is high quality, where did you get this?" he said looking at you , for a second you thought you saw something flicker in his eyes

"oh um yes it is, I only get the best" you said , noticing the icy blue of his eyes. you had never noticed how blue they were" I figured that I might die tomorrow might as well enjoy one good thing, right?"

"yes" almost a whisper, you hadn't broken eye contact. you felt a shiver down your spine. 

"I have other kinds if you would like to sniff those too?" a small chuckle escaped you

You thought you saw a smile forming on his lips, when the whistle of the kettle made you break eye contact. walking over the stove to turn it off. you came back to the table with the kettle and a rag placing it on the table. you motioned to him to have a seat. He eyed you with a slight furrow in his eyebrows. you started preparing your tea. when you placed the leaves on a small infuser you had acquired, he grabbed your hand. His hands were a bit cold sending a shiver down your spine.

"what are you doing?" he asked with a tone of concern

"oh " you said "this is a new thing that , so you can make single tea cups. that way everyone can have their favorite"

"I hadn't heard of that" his face relaxing

"its from the capital, thats where most of this comes from"you said pointing at your small tea chest , he still hadnt taken his hand off yours. Heat started rushing up your neck, the way he was looking at you was blank but if you looked closer you saw the small changes in his expression. If you had to guess, you would say he looked amused.

he let you continue

once everything was done he eyed his cup before taking a small sip, you looked at him waiting for his approval of your tea making 

_His approval???_ you shook the thought away

you knew that what you saw now was a smile, it was small but it was there. he kept drinking his tea in silence, you noticed how oddly he grabbed the tea cup and wondered why? it wasn't a man thing , maybe it was from his life in the underground. which you knew what it was but had no experience of what it must be like down there. 

you finally broke the silence, which was quite pleasant.

"I wanted to ask a favor of you captain?" 

his eyes on you again , the heat rising up your neck again _I must be getting sick_

"I-" ahem you cleared your throat " I was hoping to make a small plea to you , to please be less aggressive with eren"

nothing

"He seems more scared about this than any of us, it just seems like a heavy burden to carry without also having to worry about the people around him not trusting him"

he didn't say anything just kept his eyes on yours, the heat now in your ears. you could hear your hear beat. He set his cup down and stood , not breaking eye contact. He started walking away , before you knew it you were up too and grabbed his hand. He looked down at the grip you had on him and then up at you. 

"please" you asked " just think of him"

"thank you for the tea" he said " I enjoyed it" and with that he broke free of you and walked away

_What was i thinking? holding his hand . The ride here must have not been good for me._


	3. Tea

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I will have more time to write at least 3 chapters a week, I am unsure of how many it will have. Some action chapters are coming up and I am not great at those, I apologize in advance.  
> There will be a lot of tea scenes through out this because I am a lover of tea.

**Levi POV**

"Does the captain look distracted to you?" Petra whispered to Oluo during lunch

"He looks the same as always" he replied

To some it may look like he was distracted but he was deep in thought about last night, he kept his gaze on Eren but he was actually looking at you from his peripheral view. Watching how easily you warmed up to a kid you didnt even know, it seemed strange to him how easy you made it look. When you laughed his chest tightened. It seemed wrong that he had known of your existence for years yet you had never talked to him the way you were doing with Eren , how easily you two made conversation. He wanted to be closer to be able to hear what was so amusing about him that kept your attention, what could you two have in common. Thinking back about all those times Isabel tried to get you two to talk and how annoying he found it to make conversation with you, he regretted it now. Was it too late to start a friendship with you?

"petra" his voice calm

"yes sir?" she answered startled at the sudden sound of his icy voice

"tell captain Y/N to meet me at the same place and time today"

"yes sir"

**YOU**

You invited Eren to have his meal with you , with one goal in mind trying to cheer him up by telling him jokes and keeping him company. You didn't ask any questions about his past, he would tell you if wanted to. He was a kid with guts and determination and you immediately took a liking to him, it didn't take long for him to warm up to you which you were glad for. Keeping him company was an easy task you took upon yourself. Wiling to spend as much time as possible with him, You knew Hange but could you trust her to not get carried away with her experiments , probably not.

"captain Y/N?"

"Oh hello petra" you smiled at the small girl

"captain Levi requests same place and time today" she looked behind her to where the captain was, you looked to where she turned "oh he's gone"

"thank you for the message" You turned to Eren " wanna train for a bit?"

"yes!" he said quickly standing up

After a few hours you accompanied him to meet with Hange, all she did was ask him questions to which he had answers to only a few of them.

"I'm not going to hurt him" she looked at you with a huge grin on her face

"Thats what you say, I am just making sure its actually what you do" You smiled back.

You had known her for years and she was a great person just not all the way there when it comes to titans, She looked at Eren like a meal after being starved for years.

Walking back to your quarters you suddenly remembered captain Levi's request 

_where did my day go?_

Guess its easy to pass the time when pretending to be curious when you're actually keeping an eye on a kid.walking in to the kitchen there was a kettle already on the stove, captain Levi leaning against the table staring at it like his life depended on it. You looked from him to the kettle 

"You wanted to see me?" you asked

Silence....

_I guess not_

You were about to leave when the kettle whistled and he took it off the flames immediately , walking to the table he started preparing two cups of tea

"sit"

_He could have said please_

you sat at the small table facing him

Noticing how deft he was at making tea, his slender fingers grabbing the tea leaves from a small canister ,how careful he poured the water over the leaves. Looking at his face you noticed the small changes in his face as he concentrated over such a small task.

_is he always this intense about everything he does?_

finally placing the small cup in front of you 

"thank you" wondering if it was a devastating message from commander erwin to warrant captain Levi to make you a cup of tea "is there something wrong?"

"Not at the moment, why?" You stared at his grey eyes

_grey? i thought they were blue_

"ahm " you shook the thoughts away " then why did you call me here?"

"to thank you for the tea yesterday" a long pause " this is my personal tea" another long pause as you continued to stare into his eyes, noticing a small change in their color " try it"

"they are a grey blue huh" you mumbled to yourself

"excuse me?"

"oh yes thank you captain" you placed the cup to your lips blowing on it to cool it down taking a sip. it was the best tea you had ever tasted . Closing your eyes you kept drinking, savoring it, letting it warm you up from the inside a smile plastered on your face. Before you knew it the cup was empty you opened your eyes, captain Levi focused on your face a heat was rising in your neck. "sorry about that"

"you enjoyed it?" he questioned

"Yes! that was the best I have ever had" maybe you were tired but you could've sworn you saw the edges of his lips rise _is that a smile?_ " thank you so much for the tea captain"

" would you like another?"

"oh no, I am sure you have better things to do I should go" his expression changed but you couldn't tell what it meant " Unless you want me to stay here and keep you company"

He didnt say anything, just stared into your eyes feeling like he could see inside of you sent a shiver down your spine. Taking it as a no you stood to leave

"thank you again for the tea" you smiled at him , walking away

something stopped you at the entrance, something deep from inside.

"would you like to have tea tomorrow with me?" the words flowed out of you without much thought. 

silence. You felt a weird feeling in your chest, a small sadness.

"yes" 

turning to look at him , your heart missed a beat and you knew that he had a small smile on his face.

"i will see you tomorrow then captain" 

The next day you couldn't stop thinking about what waited for you after a long day.

It continued like this for a week , tea with the captain. It became part of your nightly routine, you looked forward to it. 

He wasn't much of a talker so the first days were a bit awkward with small conversations of weather of training gear. Now you rambled on about your day filling him on everything that happened to you. All he would do was nod or throw an "ah" here and there. It didn't matter to you at all , his company was nice. 

_I will make him talk today_

was your goal for tonight.

"captain?" you asked playing with the spoon in your cup "what is your favorite flower?" you blurted out without thinking 

_flower? what are you thinking of course he doesnt care about stuff like that_

he looked startled "The white ones?" he answered

"oh yes those are nice" _which ones does he mean?_

wanting to keep the flow of questions going

"do you have a favorite fruit?" _another dumb question_

"apples?"

"color?" you asked

"white?"

"why are all of your questions in the form of an answer? do you have many things you like or are you not sure of what you like?" 

"I-" a pause " I am not sure" you felt the sadness in him, reaching over to hold his hand in yours

"I could you help you try things to see what you like, it must be hard trying to be the best and neglecting your personal life" you squeezed his hand " just because we may die tomorrow does not mean we have to live our lives without small pleasures"

You were surprised he didn't take his hand from yours, it was warm you thought it would be cold like his personality but having spent this much time with him you now knew that whatever you had thought about him was wrong.

"I know one thing that you love" he stared at you waiting "tea" you replied

he chuckled 

_what is that?_

_"_ You know me better than I know myself" a small smile appeared on his lips

You couldn't help but smile back, this was nice. No it was better than nice, you couldn't place what this feeling was but you wanted to keep it for as long as possible. Before you knew it, you had talked for hours about missions. 

During your weeks here a lot happened, Eren had an incident with his titan form but captain Levi quickly dissuaded the situation. You were so grateful to him that night you asked him to the top of the roof.

"thank you for coming here, I thought we needed a change in scenery"

He sat next to you , feet dangling over the edge of the old headquarters

_ok here it goes_

you placed your arm around him in a side hug, you knew you had to catch him off guard in a place where he wouldn't be able to push you away.

he stiffened up

"thank you for today" you paused " about Eren"

"eh .... its my duty to keep him alive"

"im sure its more than that, I can see you dont completely hate the boy"

He turned to you, his face inches from yours. heart missing a beat

_His eyes look so beautiful under the moonlight_

your body leaned closer, without thought.

Transfixed by him, you placed a small kiss on his cheek. The feeling of his skin on your lips sending a warmth all over. you released him. 

"goodnight captain" you called behind you as you left.

_what is this feeling?_


	4. Warm

_Eren needs to train a little harder, his month is almost up_

You thought as you made your way to your quarters, having spent your nightly tea time with the captain . He didnt look worried about what could happen to Eren, it bothered you. 

_Oh no i forgot my book_

You turned to go back to the kitchen , when you arrived back you saw the captain sleeping in the chair . 

_he must be so tired from all the training, should I wake him? it seems uncomfortable to sleep in a chair_

you made your way to him , his head was leaning to the side . your eyes were taking him in , his lips puckered a bit he mumbled .

_Is he talking?_

your face inches from him

_He is not a bad looking guy, when his face is relaxed he doesnt seem as scary_

"ahem" your hand reached for his shoulder "captain you need to go to bed" your hand rested on his shoulder, he woke up immediately his body moving before he opened his eyes. It all happened so fast you had no time to react he had you pinned to ground, hands at your throat. You had never seen him like this, angry, sad, lost all at once. Your hands were on his trying to loosen his deathly grip on you, it all happened in seconds. He stood, his sudden release from your throat made you gasp for hair making it sound like you were choking. You sat to try and regain your breathing back to normal, you turned your head to look at him. His expression , you will never forget. He looked scared, worried.

"I-I am sorry" you saw a slight shake in his hands , he looked down trying to avoid your eyes

taking in deep breaths "No its my fault I am the one who scared you" you let out a small chuckle "I should know better than to sneak up on you" you stood and took a few steps toward him, he backed away. An ache entered your heart, You reached your hand toward his but as soon as your fingertips touched him he flinched away from you and walked out leaving you alone.

You went back to your room , you tried to sleep but every time you did all you could dream of was how scared he looked. It really wasn't his fault, You probably would've reacted the same way if someone had sneaked up to you at your most vulnerable. You decided it would be best to apologize to him in the morning.

All day you looked for him , even asked eren while he trained with you . Asked Hange but he was nowhere to be found.

Finally after supper you spotted Petra

_She should know where he is_

"petra!" you shouted across the yard, the small girl didnt even flinch, just turned to look at you . _she must be used to all the yelling "_ have you seen the captain today?"

"no, is there something wrong" 

"oh no there isnt " you paused "oh well actually last night" you paused again "the captain was sleeping on a chair and I"

"oh yes thats how he sleeps" she smiled back at you "I thought everyone knew about how the captain doesnt sleep well"

"Oh I " A hotness was spreading from your neck "I havent had much interaction with the captain before , until recently" 

"I see, well the captain doesnt even change out of his clothes, he is always ready for anything, You can always find him sleeping on a chair"

"Yes I found out last night" the hot was at your cheeks now" Well I was just asking if you had seen him today, there is something I need to talk to him about"

"He is in his room , He asked to not be disturbed"

_thats where he has been hiding_

"thank you petra" you made your way to his quarters, thinking what would be a good way to start this conversation. it must be awkward for him , even when it was your fault. You felt guilty.

you arrived at his room and knocked, no answer. You knocked again, you heard a faint sound from the other side and then footsteps. The click of the lock and the door opened just enough for him to talk

"I told you not to bother me Petra, unless someone is dying" his voice cold

"Well I can bring you a fresh corpse" you laughed . You knew he would close the door, your reflexes just a bit faster than his you put your foot in between the frame and door. "may I have a word with you?"

"I am busy right now" he snapped

"it will only take a minute" 

"if its about last night" he sighed " I am sorry" you noticed a slight change in his tone

"I am the one who came to apologize" you felt the weight of the door loosen on your foot " I startled you, I didnt know thats how you actually slept "

"Excuse me?"

"I just asked where you were and then I might've said how I found you sleeping and this person told me thats how you slept " _Oh shit I messed up_ "please accept my apology"

It felt like an eternity waiting for his response

"I am.." 

_Hes not gonna let this go huh?_

"How about this? we are both sorry and thats all no need to talk about it again"

A loud sigh and he opened the door walking to his desk, you had never been inside his office for a personal reason . it made you nervous, such a small space. You leaned against the wall next to the door, trying to find a way to change the air in the room.

"we go back tomorrow" you looked down at your feet " you wanna ride together " the heat in your neck rising, you really need to ask Hange if theres something wrong with your body not regulating temperature well "well not together in the same horse just next to each other" _what is wrong with me, I have lost my mind. Why cant I make a coherent sentence_

"that will be fine" you looked up at him, quickly averting your gaze when your eyes met.

"Also I was wondering if we could lose the formalities, You know my name and I know yours. It wouldn't be disrespectful of us, right?" _I have truly lost it_

"It wont be too hard cap-" Ahem "Y/N"

a shiver went down your spine, who knew that saying your name would bring a smile to your face

"well Levi " _oh that feels odd "_ i will see you later for our tea time?"

"yes" his eyes never leaving you

you quickly left the room , your heart beating fast, Hands sweating, you couldn't be sick now so close to the choosing ceremony.

Your nightly tea with the captain was awkward, neither of you looked each other in the eye. Even the small talk that had been easier the nights before seemed too hard to keep up. You went to bed with a strange feeling in your belly,

Your way back was uneventful. you rode side by side. You took notice of the little things he did while riding, how effortless he made it look. The way he looked at ease, almost peaceful. He caught your eye a few times , You hoped he hadn't noticed how transfixed you were with him, You wondered what had changed that made you look at him this way.

The choosing ceremony went as good as you had expected, awful. Commander smiths words had surely scared them , but you guessed the truth was always better.

You asked commander smith to join the mission , which he didnt object to . You were getting a bit rusty and needed something good to do, you gathered the best from your team to come. the night before you all gathered for one last supper, everyone seemed excited but you could feel the anxiousness in the air. 

A boy with intense brown eyes approached you _Oh theyre starting early today_ it happened almost every year , maybe it was a bet that they all took a sick pleasure in. They would see how friendly you were and the most daring would try and make small talk with you. You always tried to look menacing but you couldn't help but laugh and joke with the new recruits. It seemed easier to put them at ease than to scare them into submission. Of course some of them mistook your friendliness for something else, theyre just teenagers being in the corps doesnt take that away.

"Um how are you this evening..?" he reminded you of Eren just a bit

"its 'how are you this evening captain'"? you tried to scowl to catch his reaction , his face flushed immediately . You couldnt help but laugh at the face he made " Its ok im just messing with you im sorry"

"ha " he stood frozen in place 

"dont you have somewhere to be?" a cold tone could be heard from behind him, he almost jumped out of his skin.

"yes captain!" he ran off to go back to his friends, You laughed even harder

"You dont have to scare them like that" you made room for him to sit next to you

"I leave to get a drink and they pounce on you like wild animals" he stared in the direction where the boy was trying to hide from his gaze behind his friends "I see this every year"

_how does he ..?_

"I didnt know you had paid attention to me before" you blurted out without thinking

"its hard not to notice all the boys following you around , theyre loud" you looked at him but his expression was unchanged from his usual scowl, you didnt know what you expected to see but his unchanged expression gave you a weird feeling in your stomach

"Yes boys do follow me around " you looked to where the boy was sitting and waved at him, he looked petrified making you chuckle " but i think you just changed that"

he said nothing, somehow you felt an anger brewing inside of you 

"But thats all they are" you said resting your cheek on your hand, elbow on the table looking at him " im sure plenty of cadets have had a crush on you"

his eyes widened in shock turning to you, making you laugh. You liked this feeling, how easy it was to laugh around him.

"I mean who wouldnt , you are humanities strongest, you have weird ODM skills but a girl can look past that, the way you hold your tea cup is also odd"you smiled at him , brushing hair away from his face to look at his eyes better "but you do have beautiful eyes". He didnt draw back from your touch, he stayed completely still. You could feel your heart in your ears, the blood rushing too fast to your head making you feel dizzy. the back of your fingers still on his forehead, his blue eyes piercing at your soul. You could spend an eternity looking at them , getting lost in his gaze.

"captain , commander smith needs a word with you" petra stood in front of you , breaking the spell you were in.

Levi stood , you retracted your hand feeling embarrassed. 

You made your way to your room, you hadnt been here in a month. Deciding to clean to take your mind off what you had just done, it was pointless since you would be leaving in a day for the mission to Erens home. It didnt take your mind off, it just made you more frustrated. 

  
_What about our daily tea?_


	5. Hot

Deciding to skip the nightly tea, breaking your routine. There was a sharp pain in your chest, deciding to walk it off you went out for a walk with no location in mind. It was getting cold you hugged yourself for warmth, you had somehow ended up where the cadets are housed. 

"eh captain?" a small voice was heard behind you

"yes?" you turned to face the owner of the voice, only to be faced with a blonde head of hair "do you need something?"

"uh no captain , I was wondering if you needed anything since you are here" his voice sounding more confident

"I'm just taking a walk" you smiled at him "wanna keep me company?" 

at this point any distraction is a good distraction

"yes that would be great , we could talk about your past missions" he looked at you eagerly

"eh no" you frowned at him " we can talk about anything but that" his expression changed and you felt bad " look.... uh?"

"Armin Arlert" he saluted you

"no need for that" you laughed " I just dont have any interesting missions, tomorrows mission will be my first mission that actually has me excited but since you will be there I guess we wont need to talk huh?"

His face dropped just a bit, now you felt horrible

"how about this" you said wrapping an arm around him making him walk with you " lets talk about nothing"

"nothing?" his face looked puzzled

"yes armin, nothing" you beamed at him " like you know " you looked around and whispered "gossip"

"uhhh um wh-what do you mean captain?" his expression only made you laugh

"well I can tell when cadets have crushes on each other, which I dont mind if it doesn't cause any problems. Believe it or not I was a young cadet too and I had a crush on a really sweet guy" the thought of him always made you a bit sad "But like I said if there are no problems I will overlook it"

He didnt say anything so you continued "I know for a fact that the black haired girl likes eren" your arm still around him you felt him stiffen up " or am I wrong?"

"I -I .."

You laughed, you loved teasing the young cadets about their love lives " Its ok , I'm teasing you. I havent had anyone to like for years and I live through the new cadets. there are some sad endings , well mostly all of them end up badly" your mind immediately went back to Captain Levis eyes staring at you. "thats why its best to avoid feelings" 

"Yes, but you also need feelings to asses a situation but they shouldn't cloud your judgement when a decision needs to be made, even if it hurts someone" 

_they were right about him_

"hey arlert!!" the boy with brown hair approached you " is there something wrong captain?" 

"why does anything need to be wrong for me to talk to anyone" you sighed " cant a person just strike up a conversation with a stranger"

you spun in a way so that now both boys were under your arms the other boy had to crouch a little under your grip

"so whats your name pretty boy?" you saw his cheeks flush

"ki- ahem kiersten. jean"

"you two are friends?" you looked from one to the other

"well not exactly" said armin

"You need to change that, if youre gonna be in the same squad the least you need is to be friendly. You are basically one, you need to have some trust in each other"

You kept walking around with both boys prisoner to your late night ramblings, telling them some jokes you had heard. You were having a great time, once they loosened up a bit jean was a real talker.

"tsk!" you heard behind you

_Oh no_

letting go of the boys you all turned to face the only person who could make any cadet tremble without saying a single word

"do you know how late it is? we leave tomorrow and you are walking around having a good time" if his eyes could shoot daggers armin and jean would be dead

"I made them walk with me captain " you had to protect them from his wrath "they were just leaving" you pushed them both in the opposite direction of captain Levi "I will see you tomorrow" you shouted behind you " good night captain" you turned to head back to your room 

"You didnt come" his voice was cold

you stopped "oh I was tired and figured you would be busy" you didnt want to turn around to face him

"yet you have time to bother cadets tsk" 

You had to face him , you turned around only to be a few feet away from him . the way he was looking at you sent a shiver down your spine, there was an anger and a sadness to it.

"I wasnt bothering them , I just found them walking around and had a talk" the pain in your chest returned

"So you prefer to talk to children than to have a talk with me?" the iciness in his voice returned

"no" you paused, thinking back at your conversation with armin about feelings " I just felt embarrassed about earlier and didnt want things to be awkward... like they are now"

he took a step forward closing the gap between you

"why would that be awkward ?" his eyes pierced right through you

it took a few seconds to catch your breath

"Because unlike these young cadets we know what feelings can cause" you took a step forward the gap now closed, the tips of your shoes touching

"what do they cause?" he asked

"heartbreak" you tried to smile but you couldnt

"tsk" he took a step back, a coldness entered your spine that made you shiver " youre cold, you should get some sleep" he turned walking away from you

a heavy feeling fell on you, a sharp pain in your chest.

your mind a blur , losing control you ran stopping in front of him catching your breath. A mix of emotions flooded through you, your mind not in control. you placed a hand on each side of his face and brought it to yours.

His lips were soft, small. 

adrenaline took over and you released him , the shock of what you did hit you. You ran past him, making your way fast to your room. 

when you finally arrived , you couldnt control your breathing. all these feelings broke out of you , and you fell to your bed exhausted. hoping dreams would come soon so you wouldnt have to think about what you did.


	6. Female

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is an action chapter so I will make it really short because my action writing is not good.

You didnt get much sleep the night before so you knew your skills would be a bit sluggish , you took 5 of your best cadets with you . Everything was going as it should, no flares. You group was one of the first to arrive to arrive at the forest, learning that the right flank was completely wiped out. Your team was doing an ok job of eliminating the titans from the forest, following captain Levi and his team you tried to help the young cadets you had brought with you but with Levi continuing forward and not looking back there was not much you could do to help them. A rage started brewing in your heart, in all your years as captain you had only lost 3 cadets and now all 10 that you had brought were gone in the blink of an eye. You knew how cold he was but you had never truly experienced it for yourself. 

_why isnt he doing anything?_

_Why wont he let Eren fight?_

_Is he using us as bait?_

All these thoughts swarmed in your brain.

_oh..._

you thought as you saw Erwins team trap the female titan. 

You then learned of the plans that they had to capture the traitor, your anger only grew.

_why didnt they tell me, am I not a captain also?_

_ugh!!_

you covered your ears as she let out a scream

you tried going back to where eren might be and instead team up with petra, eld and oruo. they had managed to blind her but she quickly recovered killing eld and oruo . In your rage and sadness you tried to help petra but the female slapped you into her causing you to slam petra into a tree banging your head against hers and your arm getting tangled in the odm gear as she fell , you lost consciousness as your dangled from one arm the gear cutting deep into your arm.

"can you hear me?" a faint voice asked

"Can you hold on to me?"

you were in and out of consciousness 

you felt the sway from a horse

voices around you, always talking

"how are you today captain?"

"im going to read aloud to you today"

"we caught the female titan"

"annie...."

"church... crystal..."

"titans in the walls"

"oh are you finally awake?" a woman in white asked "dont try to hard right now you have been out for some time"

your eyes adjusting to the light

You spent 3 days without any visitors only the sweet nurse who tried to make small talk.

You wondered what had happened in the weeks that you were unconscious

"a letter arrived for you today" she smiled handing you a small envelope

reading the letter, you were told since your arm wasnt going to recover anytime soon that you were to train new cadets as soon as you were discharged. 

another week passed before you proved that you could take care of yourself and that no damage had occurred to your brain.

you passed your time getting black out drunk trying to forget what had happened, you had no idea why it was messing with your brain so much its not like losing cadets was anything new.

while on a visit to pyxis to tell him about the new cadets you were training, the meeting with him hadnt gone too well apparently some had taken notice of your new habit. so you did what you knew best, drink. its the only thing that helped you forget petras face, it was your fault. she probably wouldve made it if you hadnt tried to save her.

and then you saw him.


	7. Mistake

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter will include a trigger warning , I am not sure as to label it as R*p*. its semi consensual

He hadnt spotted you yet, the drunken months you had spent trying to forget it made your brain muddy, your body involuntarily walking towards him , you werent sure why you wanted to go to him. You wanted to draw an emotion out of him but you knew you would get the same cold stare as always. You had gotten so many pleasant memories with him until you went and got in the way, but you had also lost people that day. Somehow hoping that he would understand your feelings of loss, the countless letters you had sent asking for forgiveness, understating all went unanswered . All you could do was try to forget the warmth he brought to you spending sleepless nights just drinking tea with you, how foolish you felt now seeing how unaffected he was by it. Did your time mean nothing?

"hey captain I havent seen you in so long!" a voice called , your brain trying to match it to a face

"oh yes" you shouted louder than you should

_who is this?_

as if he knew the confused look on your face he answered

"jean. remember? i know I have grown" he flashed a smile at you

_jean?..... oh that kid_

"yes, you have" your drunken state making you dizzy , vision blurred

"are you alright?" he ran to your said and caught you as your feet lost their balance for a second

_I cant get caught, not like this_

"yes perfectly fine just tired" you said as you held onto him, you were sure your speech wasnt slurred

"I can take you to rest" he half whispered in your ear

_does he know? of course he knows im a fool_

he held onto you by the waist with your arm around his shoulder, you couldnt help but smile placing your hand on his cheek

_he has grown , but at what cost. losing his innocence in this dark world_

tears were fighting their way out

you were so tired , your legs almost gave out jean was struggling to keep you upright

"what are you doing?" a cold voice said , sending a shiver down your spine the thought of facing him sobering you up for a few seconds.

"I asked what you are doing?" he was now blocking your path

"uh- well - I just" poor jean , you had to help

"He is taking me to my room, my ankle is not well" did you sound convincing enough? you were sure half of what you said was just mumbling

_Why must he see me at my lowest?_

"is that so?" he faced jean 

"yes captain" you felt him trembling beside you

your head spinning again, you wrapped your other arm around him trying to stabilize yourself

"i'll help her, you can go" his voice mono toned

_help me? now he wants to help me?_

You didnt know if it was his words or just the anger you had started to feel towards him but the rage was rising inside of you. all of those months ignoring you and now he wants to help you, what gave him the right to act like this. minutes ago you didnt know what to say to him but now your brain was being eaten by an anger from deep inside

you let go of jean, your vision so blurred the steps you took forward were wobbly you were so sure you could land a punch in his deadpan face. Only to find yourself on your knees with your palms burning from trying to break your fall.

"go" was all you heard him say, you tried to keep it together but you felt your cheeks wet. the humiliation only blinding your judgement "lets go" you felt him grab you by the waist trying to help you up, but this only angered you more. you pushed him away falling on your ass. "you cant even stand" you tried standing to prove him wrong but all you ended up doing was stumbling forward, he caught you before you fell on your face " tsk" he hooked an arm under your knees lifting you in his arms like you were nothing. you struggled against him but he only tightened his grip. You gave up , you were no match for him even sober.

the sway of the walk was comforting , almost falling asleep you opened your eyes once he put you down. everything was dark , the moonlight only letting a slit of light in your eyes slowly adjusting

"this isnt my room" you mumbled

"of course its not, I dont know where it is" you heard the scrape of a chair against the floor " you should rest"

"no im leaving" you swung your feet off the bed sitting down , head spinning

"at this point I dont know if your drunk, hungover or both" his voice cold

"well I never get sober enough to be hungover" hoping there was enough venom in your voice 

a long moment of silence passed before you decided you could walk, standing up taking your first step felt unstable. 

"tsk" he sighed " I told you to rest" the scrape of the chair letting you know he was standing

"and who are you to give me orders!" you shouted, head pounding

"you are worse off than I heard" 

"Oh you have heard of how I have been? thats odd because I dont remember you replying to all the letters i have sent" you felt the tears in your eyes again

"there was nothing to say"

"really? well then I guess I better leave" you took another step , doubt creeping up inside you not sure if you would even make it to the door

"you cant even stand, but bringing a bottle to your lips is effortless . tsk" why are his words just hitting you in the wrong spots, you had never been like this. You were always nice, laughing, smiling making sure all your cadets liked and respected you. Always making sure to say and do the right things, but he just set off something inside you that was ready to explode and take him down with you. You turned to face him your rage was beyond words, your heart in your ears pounding making you lose what little control you had. You took the steps toward him grabbed him by the shirt and put all your weight into a punch. he didnt move or try to push you away, so you continued letting all the anger out on him.

_why isnt he stopping me? is this what he wants?_

why was this making you even more angry, you wanted to talk to him not fight him .yet he was letting you punch him without a word, if thats what he wants then you had to oblige right? you pushed him onto the bed straddling him, tears streamed down your face as you ripped his shirt open with one movement. All your feelings for him that you had tried to keep in check poured out of you . How much you would remember of this night you didnt know.

You threw your pants on the floor, and unbuckled his, it all happened so fast your head was spinning. you kissed him with such force, the blood was pooling in your mouth. feeling him bulge under you only made you feel cheap, used. but all you wanted was to feel loved by the only person who had entered your heart . your hands trembled as you tried to remember what your mother had told you years ago, you knew the basics your mother was not a shy person. _why isnt he stopping me?_ was the only thought in your head, every movement made you nauseous , he kept his arms down not moving, _is he in shock? why isnt he stopping me?_ your stomach a mess, it would be best if he had pushed you off him , him being completely still only made you more angry _fine if thats how he wants it_ you brought him inside you , no idea what you were doing. it felt weird to you , your whole body trembled at the odd sensation you stayed still for what seemed like an eternity, not daring to move. Heat rushing from your chest slowly covering your body, you moved slow at first the sensation only bringing more heat to your body. You lost yourself , your mind was foggy a mix of pleasure, grief, anger, happyness? somehow your body moved without you having to think . youre eyes closed , a sudden rush of ecstasy flowed through you , like electricity sending a shiver through your body . you felt him tremble under you, your body collapsed on top of his you were exhausted your heart was exhausted . tears flowed out of you like a dam breaking, your face next to his of course he could hear you crying felt the tears yet he didnt move which only made you cry more. how you longed to be held by him , to be comforted by him. 

in your mind you had made up a personality for him that he never showed, you felt like a fool... to think that a man like him could ever love someone. to hope that you had opened his heart that you could somehow heal him of his troubles to be important in his life. He would never be that man you made in your mind, he could never show feelings. your chest hurt, your body ached

"why wont you love me back?" you asked not at him but at your own mind trying to make sense of what you had been feeling all this time " I have opened up to you , I love you with all my being ... and yet you dont even respond to this to anything"

you didnt know how much a person could cry, you thought that after this there was no way you would ever cry again. 

when you opened your eyes it was morning, the sun shining in your face, headache making you see white , you were in bed , dressed. you had hoped it was all a nightmare until your eyes adjusted to the brightness and realized this was his room. you couldnt stop the grief that clung to your chest, your body couldnt cry anymore and you threw up. 

how would you ever face him again?


	8. Shame

"you will leave in a month?" commander erwin asked you, you hadnt slept well in weeks.

Your decision to leave had taken you months after what you had done, you had found it hard to move on from what happened that night. It was a good thing that he had not come again, he was so busy which made you a little more at ease. But forgiving yourself for what had happened that you still couldnt do, so what best way to deal with it than to take the cowards way out and leave to never be heard from again . Somehow it seemed easy to you to change your name and start over somewhere new, you didnt have much money but you could always find work you were still young.

"yes commander , I will train someone I trust to take over and I am looking for your approval of this person to take over my role" sweat trickled down your neck, after all these years and all the considerations he had for you it was still hard to mess up and you couldnt let him know why exactly you were leaving. It pained your heart to let him down.

"I will try and see if they are as good as you" You liked how he never pried too much into your life

"thank you commander, this will be the last we see of each other there will be no need for me to come for an answer" you smiled at him

"very well" he stood from behind his desk , his long strides quickly placed him feet from you " I do wish you the best" 

"thank you commander" and with that you saluted and left his office.

somehow you hadnt imagined him to be this calm , but it helped cement in your brain that it was the right decision.

The weeks moved by fast and as the time to leave drew nearer your nerves were getting the best of you, you had stopped drinking a week after the incident alcohol losing its control on you only reminding you of the shame. 

you moved to a small town as south as you could go, it was hard trying to find a place to sleep so you slept in alleys trying to not spend what little money you had. work was hard to find you did odd jobs here and there, but the towns people were not very welcoming of you. That is until you saw a wanted sign in a little shop in the outskirts of town.

Entering the small shop you saw how charming it was, a few small tables and a counter filled with baked goods in the back wall of that various items for sale. 

"hello?" you asked hoping someone was here, a small old lady popped her head in from a room in the back "i am here for the sign" you pointed at the door behind you

"oh yes" she walked towards you " many have applied but when they hear the pay they run" she laughed, her laugh was warm and soft making you drop your defenses

"I will take anything" you had tried to clean yourself up as best you could, but living in the streets for months there was only so much you could do

"I see" she paused " You can also stay in the cot in the back room , its not much but I can see you need it" her smile warmed your heart, it had been so long since someone actually acknowledged you as a person you were almost in tears

"thank you" you grabbed her small delicate hands in yours " I know I may not look it but i am very strong and I can do anything that you need"

for months you worked in the small shop , you learned how she helped everyone around her by selling their home made goods, the baker next door, the lady down the road who would sell candies. It helped that she had welcomed you with open arms, and lied for you. She had 5 sons 4 of them were scouts and were now dead, her oldest was in the military police and had stopped visiting. 

For years you lived with her , she had become your savior your only friend. But just like everything in your life she was slipping away from you.

"I signed the paper" her small whisper of a voice had said one night "I leave it to you, I know how much this place means to you now.." she paused her breathing was getting shallower every day " I had wished for a daughter , I lost all of my sons but finally I was granted my wish" this only brought tears to your eyes, how could this woman leave her life in your hands.

You held her hand until her last breaths. this stranger who had taken you in, who had learned your story . She didnt judge you , she loved you for who you had grown to be. the one thing you had now was to make her proud and continue with her years of hard work. so many things had passed but you tried to pay no attention , the last thing you had cared about was the new appointed queen by commander erwin. who knew what this titan filled world would bring but there was always hope for a better tomorrow. 


	9. Mirror

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i will change some things from the original story to fit this ending.

**Levis POV:** while traveling to a meeting with jean by his side, they had to take a detour from the usual route one of the horses had become sick .

"tsk" the captain was cursing up a storm at this inconvenience

"it will be alright captain , all we need is to find a new horse, we will only be delayed by a day at the most" jean tried his best to de-escalate the situation .

"tsk" it was no use, the captain was in a fowl mood

it wasnt hard finding someone willing to sell a horse, but they didnt stand a chance against the captains high standards.

it took hours of going place to place to try to find a suitable one

"maybe we should get something to eat?" jean suggested

all he got was a cold stare, having been accustomed to the captains glares he asked around for a place to eat maybe a place with nice tea. He led the way to a small shop in the outskirts of town, perfect way to head back on their way.

"ah here it is!" jean exclaimed at the small shop entering the small place it seemed cozy and was warmer than being outside in the cold, the smell of broth filled the air

" I will be a minute , I have to check something " he said mono toned

**YOUR POV:**

The day had been slow today and the thought of closing early was one of the small joys you enjoyed, but then the bell of the door jingled and your small joy went away , you sighed and started making your way to the front

"I was about to close up for the day but I guess one more customer wont hurt" 

"we are sorry to bother you so late but this place was highly recommended to us by the man down the road who sold us a horse, he also said you had great tea and the captain would love a cup" the young man tried his most charming smile, words wouldnt form on your lips

"oh yes we have the best tea, I only have some vegetable broth and bread left" you smiled at him

"we will take whatever you have were not picky!" 

It took a few minutes to get everything ready , walking back out the young man was still sitting alone

"I had been thinking you look very familiar, do you have a sister?" he smiled at you

placing the tray in front of him , you had a better look at his features

_Is this?_

"jean?" you asked without thinking

"how do we kn-" his eyes widened , he quickly stood "captain!" he embraced you in a tight hug knocking the air out of you " Im sorry I didnt recognize you , I just wasnt expecting to ever see you"

"Im not a captain anymore jean, you can let go" he had gotten taller and stronger than you remembered

"I am sorry about your arm captain, I know thats the reason you left " yes that was one of the reasons, your arm had never fully recovered , it still trembled from time to time " But here you are!"

"its been so long I wonder how.." the bell to the shop jingled , your heart started pounding in your ears, there he stood unchanged.

"Look who i found captain Levi!" jean beamed placing an arm around your shoulders

it felt like hours passed before Jean broke the uncomfortable silence

"I bet you have a lot you wanna ask the captain about what has been happening, but I can tell you dont worry" he squeezed your shoulder "here sit with us" he guided you to a chair at the table you were in such shock all you could do was obey

you felt him walking around you to sit in front of you, his eyes digging deep into your soul

"Are you married now captain?" the question startled you " Your hand" he grabbed your hand and pointed at the ring

"oh widow" you had become so accustomed to the words they escaped without thought

"Oh I see" he said placing your hand back on the table , taking spoonfuls of broth and bread in his mouth "wow ave yoo be?" 

"dont speak with your mouth full" said Levi without taking his eyes off you, you could feel them piercing a hole in your head, you didnt dare to look at him 

"I will let you eat in peace" you said standing up " if you need anything let me know"

"But I wanna ask you so many questions captain" jean protested

"let her leave, its what she does" his words made your chest hurt

"mommy?" the small voice at the bottom of the stairs was making his way towards you

_jeans yelling mustve woken him up_

" did you have a nightmare?" you made your way to the small boy in quick steps picking him up 

"there was yelling" he said against your chest

"NO way captain you have a kid?" You heard the scrape of a chair and jean was next to you "whats his name?"

"E-Erwin" you half turned to face jean

"Oh so you learned what happened?" jean asked , brushing the small boys long hair out of his face

"yes, im sure the story i heard its not what happened . But Im sure he was brave until the very end"

"hahahaha" jean bursted out laughing, earning an annoyed look from you and a death glare from Levi

"a commanders death is not a joke" said Levi

"of course not!" jean exclaimed composing himself "its just he gives the same look as you " he pointed at the boy in your arms " almost sent a chill down my spine, he even has eyes like yours captain" he joked

a silence filled the room.


	10. Gone

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you to all who have read this mess that I tried to write!!!!

_They do look alike, I had almost forgotten what he looks like but now seeing them together they do resemble each other_

A dread that you had never worried about filled you from the inside, you had hoped to never be in this situation.

"did you find a husband who resembled the captain? I bet that was hard, not everyone can pull off that death stare of his" jean Joked

"yes" your hands started trembling " please finish your meal theres no need to pay , I have to put him back to bed now. It was a pleasure seeing you again jean, captain" and with that you quickly made your way up the stairs

"huh" jean exclaimed " thats not at all how I remembered her, she used to be more lively"

"people change" the captain continued with his meal " lets finish and leave"

"well at least she found someone , she was always smiling but she always looked lonely even when surrounded by people" he shrugged

"can we eat without commentary"

"sure"

after they were done you heard the door creak and close and with that you breathed a sigh of relief, you never imagined he would stumble upon you . Who would ever believe that a fake marriage could save them, it saved you long enough and for that you were grateful.

holding your son in your arms you drifted off to sleep , remembering of all the good times , the late conversations, the way he would look at the night sky. But something felt off and your nice dream turned into a nightmare, the way it would all have crumbled down if it werent for the kind heart of a woman who took pity on you . The cold sweats startled you awake, your eyes adjusting to the darkness you climbed off the bed to go downstairs to clean up. When you reached the bottom you felt someone in the dark, quickly grabbing blade you kept on yourself at all times

"I dont have money but I do have a blade and know how to use it" in all your years here something like this had never happened to you, in your shock of seeing the captain again you had forgotten to lock the door, of course your bad luck wouldnt end here

"Im not here to steal from you " that voice made you freeze in place "But we do need to have a talk"

"Will my apology for what happened that night do anything now?" you asked

"that.." a long pause " that was also my fault"

"I attacked you, I did something that I know you hated" the blade still in your hands, he walked from the dark into what little moonlight crept into the room

" I am stronger than you, I couldve easily stopped it" was all he added

"why didnt you?" was a question that had bothered your sleep for years " What was your reason for not stopping me? I couldnt stop myself and i have regretted it for many years, the shame I have for doing something to someone who never even liked me but who I loved ... it broke me"

"loved?" the tears were trying to break free, why did he always make you feel this way

"You cannot be that blind to not have noticed how much I learned to love you, I knew it was one sided but I couldn't stop . I wouldve given my life for yours , followed you to the ends of the world" the words flowed freely out of you

"but you ran away, you didnt follow me to the end of the world" his voice was ice

"I couldnt" your body shaking 

"you married and had a child, did you follow him to the ends of the world?" he took a few steps closer to you, he was within arms reach

"thats not what happened" the tears flowed out of you " I couldnt stay, there wouldve been too many questions"

"about what happened that night?"

"yes" _Is this the time to come clean , would he even care_ " I told commander smith"

"where you looking for a punishment" he tsk'ed " I was the _victim_ and I never told"

"I didnt have to tell him to get punished" you took a deep breath " I had to tell him so I could leave without causing and inquiry as to why I left"

"being ashamed is not a reason to leave everyone who depends on you" he crossed his arms

"the child" your voice shook " he is yours" 

the years of tension and ache in your body from keeping this in , made you fall to the floor the weight finally off. you trembled on the floor crying

"I knew" he got on one knee on the floor, reached for your hand holding it " the moment I saw him, are you even a widow?"

"no" you sniffed " the woman who owned this place, had sons in the corps who had died she suggested we lie saying that one of her sons was the father and I had been left widowed. she saved me when I was pregnant on the streets, she loved my son "

"I see" he stood pulling you up from the floor " what is your sons name?"

"Erwin" you smiled " I figured I had to name him after the man who had helped me so much"

"yes, he did like doing that"

"if you have time you could meet him" you suggested

"theres no time, we are soon leaving to the world across the sea" it broke you that he didnt want to , but you also knew better than to expect him to do so " but when I come back, will you still be here?"

" I have no place else to go" your voice harsher than what you intended it to be

"tsk" he sighed " can I meet him then? when I do have the time"

"yes we will be here" _is this his way of telling me to wait for him?, no thats not like him_

"I dont know when I will be back" he paused , his brows furrowed " does he know about me?"

"Yes he does, not your name, but he does know of you "

"i have to go now" he released your hand

"wait please come" you grabbed his hand and dragged him up the stairs "if your quiet enough he wont wake" you whispered, guiding him to the side of the bed

there he kneeled and looked at his son, you had never hoped for anything like this. who would have thought that he would ever father a child. He pushed the hair off his face and gently stroked his cheek, after a few minutes he stood . He hugged you , the warmth of his body opening those feelings again, the ones you had kept locked, 

"thank you" he said "I will be back" releasing you

with those words he left quietly, and with that you knew that he would be back. one day he would come back to this small town , make his way to the little shop and meet his son properly , one day. 


End file.
